Lonely Only - Picture Book

[ladyjai]

Since my previous post about a story idea (Beware the Grawlix) has not made itself to paper yet, I've decided to attempt another of my completed works. Thanks in advance.


Lonely Only is a picture book aimed at the 4 to 8 year old only child. Only has no one to play with and is very tired of playing by herself. She's played everything ten times or fifty. She sets out to see if her parents will play, only to be told they're too busy, or too tired, maybe later. But later never comes. One day, Only befriends a new neighbor and they play with all her toys, ten times or fifty. She finally realizes she may not be lonely anymore.

[ella]

Hi LadyJai,

I hate to say it, but this summary felt kind of flat to me.

Good points:
-- I thought it was cute the main character's name is Only.
-- I liked your repetition of "ten times or fifty"

Stuff to improve:
-- "play" is overused. Try mixing it up with other words.
-- Make the writing tighter. For instance if you say "Only is tired of playing by herself", the reader will know that she has no one to play with.

Since it's finished, word count? Oh, and you don't have to limit yourself to only children. My next door neighbor has a six-year-old and a 17-year-old. You can bet they don't play with each other.

Also, Buried, I'd love it if you would comment on this, but I wonder if it is necessary to say the age group of the picture book, since 4-8 IS the typical age group for a picture book?

[kangaroobee]

It's been a little while since I've read it but I have to agree you could add some word play and magic to this. Start with your hook line not who it's for. You could have; Only is oh so lonely. Won't her parents ever play. Only when the new neighbours arrive can lonely Only play. (or something like that) Use same lovely rhythm of book in query.