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Post by betjemansmouse on Mar 9, 2011 11:04:22 GMT -5
Thin Time
Book One ~Task Bearer Series (Carole Anne Carr)
Set in the English village of Tong, and based upon Norse mythology, a young girl, chosen by mistake to be Task Bearer and given three gifts, must bring back the New Year seeds before midnight to prevent the world from dying.
Scared her stepmother has discovered what she has done, she is about to run away from home when she is cornered by the gargoyles and must begin the years as Task Bearer that is her fate.
Ordered by the Green Lady, a giant of a woman with mice weaving nests in her hair, to undertake the first of her tasks before Thin Time ends at midnight, Alice sets out on her dangerous quest.
With her small stepbrother Thomas, a bad tempered dog tomb dog called Fymm who is many centuries old, and Ratatosk the Messenger Squirrel, she is guided by the young girl from the altar tomb in Tong Church, finds the door into the Tree of Life by using the skipping rhyme password and travels into the Other World.
Helped by the singing cockerel from the church tower, and armed with a stone and a gargoyle’s shield, she must face the terrible Sisters at the Well of Wyrd, and the fury of Nidhogg the Snake-Dragon.
But does she possess the one thing that will protect her - a loving heart? For without that, she will never be able to return to her own time, and the treasure, whatever it may be, will never be hers. And will the remaining gifts be of use to her when she has defiantly eaten the first?
(Suitable for 9+)
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Post by bnlippy on Mar 9, 2011 18:07:29 GMT -5
This has a lot of interesting things happening and has some great potential. You may want to reconsider you sentence structures. To me they seemed a bit long and some could be broken up into two or possibly even three sentences. Of course that could just be me and my preference for simple sentence structure. I also got a little confused and had to re-read it several times. The sentences seem out of sequence - or something. I had my 13 yr old son and 10 yr old daughter read it too. They both said they would read the book. I think they understood it better than me, but they also felt the sentences were out of sync. I think you are on to a good story line and you may have already figured it out. Just trying to get all that wonderful detailed information across to your editor is going to be challenging. Good Luck!!! ;D
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Post by Buried Editor on Mar 9, 2011 18:48:44 GMT -5
The story itself sounds like it could make an exciting novel. I just think that right now this particular summary isn't doing it justice.
Although detailed at this point, your summary currently needs to expounded upon. Each sentence reads like the topic sentence of a paragraph, and I just want to read the supporting sentences that would explain them. I would recommend using this as the base, and then elaborating more on each instance mentioned to help make it clearer and easier for the reader to visualize in his/her head.
I agree with BNLippy that the sentences seem out of order as they stand right now; however, I suspect that clarifying the action of your story would help that out.
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Post by betjemansmouse on Mar 14, 2011 14:09:26 GMT -5
Thank you so much for your kind help. Carole.
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Post by kangaroobee on Mar 17, 2011 16:44:15 GMT -5
Hi Carole, so excited to read this, it sounds really exciting! The paragraph that makes me read twice is the second one. it is not clear at all what the initial problem is why the stepmother is angry. I think I get it that the girl runs away from angry stepmother straight into Gargoyles who make her bring back the etc. But why was thestepmother angry? Or have I got it mixed up and she is angry that the girl is trying to leave home. Not sure which, but it is confusing. I love your opening line but if you then go back in time with the second paragraph it might be hard to follow. When you don't know the story it has to be in sequential order, especially as your story is so complex (for good reasons!) It sounds wonderful btw! Best wishes Catherine
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Post by betjemansmouse on Mar 24, 2011 10:52:35 GMT -5
Dear Catherine,
Thank you so much for your kind remarks about my children's book. I am about to publish it - hopefully by the end of this month - and now I'd better sort out the book blurb as fast as I can. Kind regards, Carole.
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Post by kangaroobee on Apr 3, 2011 18:26:44 GMT -5
Oh do keep us posted on your blog Carole, excited for you!!!
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