Picture Book

[bnlippy]

Sir Johnny, Knight of the Kitchen Table – Picture Book
(testing revised title)


Sir Johnny is a six year old with a vivid imagination competing for Mom’s attention. In true knight tradition, he vows to defend his princess against the dangers he sees around him. Some of his dangers include the time stealing lap top, the dish eating monster, and the wolf that eats the furniture and hides the shoes. He gallops around on his stick horse, with his cardboard sword and shield, in search of adventure in true modern day Don Quixote style.

This is a work in progress that has not found its true voice yet. However, with the two exercises a voice is starting to emerge and I am really enjoying this character. He is finally getting a personality going.

Thanks for your help!

[Anne]

bnlippy,

This is so much better than your original attempt.

Two questions: is Johnny's mom his princess? and ...

Oh, OK, this is not a question--I find the phrase 'competing for Mom’s attention' confusing. Against whom? But maybe this is just me.

Any way, great rewrite.

[ladyjai]

I like this one much better than your first! I agree with Ann, "competing for mom's attention" from who? and who is Sir Johnny's princess? Other than that, sounds like a fun and adventurous story!

[Buried Editor]

Like everyone else, I find this paragraph is much better. I would change "competing" to some other word (like vying?) so that it removes the competing against who? question. Also, make clear that Mom is the Princess (although you might want to call her Queen -- generally in fairy tales the hero vies for the hand of the princess, but the favor of the Queen -- I think princess implies an Oedipal undertone that I'm pretty sure you're not going for.

[Ella]

Ditto everyone above. Now, to cover new territory:

-- You need some hyphens (eg, "time-stealing")

-- I would say "gallops on" instead of "gallops around on." Tighter writing, and goes better with the mood, I think.

-- It might be more effective to say "Sir Johnny is a modern day Don Quijote vying for Mom's attention. In true knight tradition, the six-year old..."

[bnlippy]

How funny! I had vying in to begin with but didn't like how it looked in the sentence. That just goes to show you that you really do need a good critique.

Thanks for the help.

[kangaroobee]

Sorry I'm a bit late getting to this. Awesome premise *laughs* Totally agree you need to link the mom/princess better. And if I were you I'd jazz up your line that starts: some of his dangers (because it is in danger of sounding like a list you want to squeeze in for exra info.) How about: In order to start his adventures with the Princess he first must tackle the etc. Love it!