Picture Book Summary

[mkbickel]

Here is my first attempt:

In this 664 word picture book, Basie is a typical jumpy and jittery squirrel. Then he hears music and moves to a smooth rhythm. He sets out to make music himself, but his efforts are scoffed at by other park animals. A chance falling acorn is the key to unlocking squirrel-made music.

[ella]

Ooh, the calming influence of music. I like it.

Now for specifics:

-- Title?

-- I found typical to be a distracting word. I was thinking "if he's typical, why are we reading about it." I get what you were trying to say; just letting you know the word triggered an unwanted reaction. (Now, in your manuscript, that might be fine. But in your cover letter, perhaps not so much?)

-- The transition in the second sentence needs work.

-- Perhaps an example of how he's scoffed, or his efforts at making music? Just a little of sprinkle of detail, to give us more sense about the tone of the manuscript?

-- I'd say "provides the key" instead of "is the key"

[mkbickel]

Thanks, Ella! Handslap to forehead about the title!! : )

[bnlippy]

This could be talking about most little boys I know. What a wonderful way to show them to find their own groove.

I would love to know the title. I am discovering the title is a big part of the appeal.

I would also enjoy seeing a bit more detail. I did enjoy the "smooth rhythm" phrase. It already set the stage for Bassie to mellow out.

I also found the "typical" description not necessary. I only say that because an editor once pointed out that nobody wants to hear about typical.

I enjoyed your summary and look forward to reading more. Good luck!

[Buried Editor]

As the parent of a at-times hyperactive little boy, I can already tell you that there is an existing market for this book and plenty of children who will identify with your squirrel.

My issue with your summary as it stands right now is that I don't hear your "voice" in it. Right now this reads like the summary a reviewer gives on Amazon or Goodreads or something like that -- it tells the bare bones of what is happening in the story, but it somehow doesn't quite convey the heart. You're on the right track with phrases like "smooth rhythm" but it needs more of that kind of thing to bring your voice into the summary.

(Oh, and the title should be included although I believe you might be aware of that now. )

[mkbickel]

What awesome feedback! Thank you so much everyone!

Here is attempt number 2 (complete with title!!):

BASIE’S BEAT is a 664 word picture book about a jumpy, jittery, twitchy, tumbley squirrel. When a little cha-ch-ch-cha and baa-ba-da-bee comes into his life, he discovers how to move to a smooth rhythm. He wants to make music himself, but other animals laugh at his squeaking and scratching attempts. But one clang from a falling acorn makes squirrel-made music a possibility.

[ella]

Wow! It's so cool to see the before (which wasn't bad) and after (which is great). I love it!

A few small comments:

- cha-ch-ch-cha and baa-ba-da-bee are great and fun and make me feel like dancing, but they don't sound "smooth" to me, especially the first one.

-- I'd say "squeaky and scratchy attempts"

-- The last sentence sounds a little contorted.

[mkbickel]

Thank you, Ella! I'm having a heck of a time with that last sentence. Back to the drawing board!

Your suggestions have been very helpful and much appreciated!

[Buried Editor]

That second summary is so much better. Great work.

[ladyjai]

I like the second one better, too, Megan!

I like the "smooth rhythm" and your use of "cha-ch-ch-cha and baa-ba-da-bee

But you are right. This sentence could be better: "But one clang from a falling acorn makes squirrel-made music a possibility." The CLANG is what get's it. Clang, to me, is not music. We need to find a better word for that...How about "ting"?

[kangaroobee]

Love your second one Megan, great improvement! Have you noticed you use but twice quite close to each other. Maybe lose one of them. One ting from a falling acorn brings his musical dreams alive

[ella]

I hadn't noticed the two "buts;" however, I think KBee's right -- you don't need the second one.

Also KBee inspired me. "One ting from a falling acorn unlocks his musical potential"? I don't think either of the things we've suggested are quite right, but maybe they'll spur something on...